The Heavy

I feel, so heavily at times, the weight of painful prospects. Is it wisdom? The knowledge that preparedness can prevent such painful things? Is it some kind of prophetic gift that I can sense what is coming? Or, is it a lack of trust in God to prevent atrocities? Lack of trust that I will be able to withstand such pain? Maybe it’s all of these possible reasons…and then some.

My go-to position, when this weight is upon me, is to cower in the corner. If I ignore it, it will go away. If I occupy my mind, leaving no room for silence and no time for contemplation, I can pretend that it isn’t an issue.

Cowering in the corner is exactly what I did when I sensed an uncomfortable situation where tempers were hot and getting hotter. I felt the heavy, I cowered on a couch in the corner, and it all exploded before my eyes. Thinking about it later, I could have prevented the explosion had I acted upon the heaviness instead of cowering. When it comes to the fight or flight reflex…it appears that I’m flight.

On the other hand, there are situations where nothing I do will change the circumstances and I am saddened and frustrated. In those moments I sense that it is a lack of trust in God to handle the situation.

This heaviness that comes upon me can’t be for no reason. It can’t be merely a part of human frailty. Surely there can be a positive purpose to all of this. Perhaps this is a gift, a skill I can hone, instead of a burden to be dreaded.

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