What am I even fighting for?

The current fight

I’ve been fighting for my image. I’ve been fighting for my worth. I’ve been fighting for relationships that aren’t healthy. I’ve been fighting for people to take me seriously. I’ve been fighting for the respect of my peers. I’ve been fighting for my sanity. I’ve been fighting for my trust of others. I’ve been fighting for dignity and integrity.

Last night I heard a preacher speak on fighting. At the end he asked several questions.

  1. What have you been fighting for that doesn’t matter?
  2. What/who do you need to fight for?
  3. How will you train for the fight?

It’s gotten me thinking. All of the things I’ve been fighting for seemed worth it at the time. I feel like some of these things should matter, but in the grand scheme of things…

What I should be fighting for instead

My image will never be perfect. There will always be people who see me as lesser than or different than I’d like. I need to stop fretting over those views and instead, fight for what God sees when He sees me.

My worth (when trying to find it in the eyes of others) will never amount to anything. I’ve had too many times when my worth has hit rock bottom because I’ve given too much power to people to determine that for me. Instead, I need to fight to remember my worth in Christ. (Ephesians Ch1)

Relationships are important. But, I’ve put too high a value on some of them. In them I’ve been encouraged, affirmed, and even at times destroyed. All statuses which (positive and negative) were blown out of proportion by the fact that my perspective was off. Without my relationship with God being the most important one and without the scope and perspective that He gives to everything in life, affirmations will be shallow, encouragements will be under-valued, and destruction from disfunction will be massive. I need to fight for a right perspective and I need to fight for those friends who would fight for me.

I have serious things to say and contribute, those who won’t listen are the ones missing out. I need to focus on being ready when the opportunities present themselves when I may have an ear or two.

Respect will not come from others nor be offered to others when behavior is questionable. I focus too heavily on the behavior of others and am constantly let down. I need to focus on my behavior. What I do, how I think, and why — to determine the best course for me and my own growth — and leave the rest up to God.

Sanity is over-rated. It’s in the chaos that we find people, life, strengths, and weaknesses. In chaos, hope shows its relevance and potential.

There will always be people I trust who will let me down. There will always be people who’ve trusted me whom I’ve let down. Trust is a tricky thing and needs to be earned. Once lost, it’s hard/impossible to get it back. The only thing I can do here is learn a lesson and move on. I will fight for forgiveness, for myself to forgive those who have hurt me. I can only be forgiven by God if I’m willing to forgive others.

Dignity/integrity, although good things, cannot be expected from everyone. It’s a high standard that I can only put on myself. And even then, it cannot be forced but only achieved gradually after learning from my mistakes. When I make a mistake I need to own up to it (integrity), get up, and move on (dignity). The moving on is how you fight.

Training for the fight

Another preacher I know says, “when you have a flat tire you don’t junk the car, you fix the flat.” I am too quick to junk the car. I am too quick to give up. I am too quick to wallow and complain. I am too quick to make camp and live in the valley of hurt. I am too quick to become an island and separate myself from community when it gets hard.

Training requires perseverance (not my strength). Training requires the next step and the next step and the next step. The next foot. The next yard. The next mile. But you’re always stronger after a workout. I’m going to be worn out for a while but I will be stronger in the end.

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