I recently had an epiphany:
I live in the service of the dreams of others while pushing my own dreams aside.
That was a very difficult reality to grasp but it is true. I put all that I am, extending above and beyond, to help others realize their dreams. Giving moral and financial support that exceeds even the necessary attention of a best friend only to realize later that though the recipient of my support appreciates it, I am really no one special to them. Why do I do this? I have a few theories and although they are still in the formative stage, I am inviting all of you…my readers…to tag along with me on my introspective trip to find the possible answer.
Theory number 1: The Desire For the Same
There is a book about the five love languages. I haven’t read the book nor do I remember what the languages are but a friend who has read the book explained to me that the love language we are most likely to respond to is also the love language we will use to show love to others. Perhaps I yearn for someone else to pour themselves out in support of my goals and dreams? Perhaps I wish someone would support me heart and soul with time and effort above and beyond? But the truth is, I think I would feel weird if anyone did that for me. Perhaps I want to feel special so I treat other people in that way with the hope that it will be reciprocated? To find out later that it never will.
Theory number 2: Resistance Always Wins
If I focus my energies on others, I don’t have the energy for my own aspirations. I welcome this dynamic because dealing with others is easier than dealing with myself. Resistance is a cruel opponent and if given an inch it will take a mile. One day of submission to its charms can easily turn in to months of inactivity in the pursuit of my goals.
Theory number 3: Fear of Failure
If I don’t finish writing a book it can’t be rejected by a publisher. The not finishing isn’t really failure in my mind…it’s just in-completion. But finishing and then being rejected is failure beyond what I can handle. I am more fragile than I let on.
Perhaps it’s a mixture of all three of these theories with a few other factors figured in that aren’t even discussed here? The real questions are: Can I stop focusing solely on others and give time to what I need to do for myself? Can I fight resistance and win? Can I overcome fear and not let it cripple me? If the answer is no…can I at least function with these handicaps?