Fear Mistaken/Growth Resumes

You know what? I’ve been blaming the guy all along for instilling fear in me. I blame him and say that it’s because of him and how he treated me 6 years ago that I’m too scared to try for Love again. But really, he’s not to blame. You see, I’ve been labeling my fear all wrong. It’s not that I am too scared to try for Love again, because I’m not scared to try again. I wish for the chance to try again. I even sometimes Hope for the chance to try again. When I say that he has caused me not to want Love anymore, that’s really not the case. Because I do want it. I think what is really happening is I am afraid that I won’t be given the chance to try again. That’s what I’m afraid of. It’s not a fear of Love itself, but a fear of the lack of opportunity. When I start to fear that, it’s easier for me to blame him, put up walls, and mask my true fear with this harsh thought that I don’t need Love because it never did anything good for me. But Love has done a lot of good in my life. And I do Hope for it again. This real fear doesn’t have anything to do with the guy from 6 years ago. It is from a much darker place. It is from an evil so demented that it would cause hatred in me for someone who – although did me wrong – does not deserve to be blamed for something that he has no part in. This is not 6 years ago. This is not a past hurt that won’t go away. This is now. This is me. This is my responsibility. I can’t keep blaming the guy when I start to fear loneliness. He is not the cause of my current loneliness. I have to realize that my fear is my own and I have to conquer it. There is nothing anyone else can do to take away my fear. This is me and God. And growth resumes.

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