Broken

There’s been a setback in my growth process. I realized tonight the severity of just how broken I am. My perspective is ruined. He ruined how I look at myself and how I look at all guys. Now, I can’t see any hope of a beautiful story. I have to look a certain way before I can get a guy and I have to stay looking that way to keep a guy. Fear. That’s what he taught me. That’s what he left me with. I’ll end up making myself sick over it no matter what. Stay fat and have fear of eternal singledom or get thin and be too scared to eat anything for the rest of my life. Now I’m supposed to forgive him for the fear he instilled in me inorder for that fear to go away?! Seems backwards doesn’t it? Have you ever loved someone who was ashamed of you? All things regarding love, self confidence, innocence – it’s all jaded for me now. It’s all tainted. How do you forgive someone for that? I’m better off without him I know. I’m over the fact that he got rid of me because it is good for me to be rid of him. But, that doesn’t void the cost I paid. That girl that once delighted in love and had hope of a beautiful story has been beaten to a pulp. And even now, when she braves to show her face, she gets slapped around all over again. If this is growth, then growth hurts like you wouldn’t believe.

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