The Genuine Dilemna

Am I genuine? Probably not. For instance, I talk as if I do not trust this guy friend of mine but then I lend him my brand new laptop for a weekend. That is a prime example of when my actions do not match my words. I guess if actions speak louder than words then there is proof that I do trust him but a guy never gets used to hearing that you don’t trust him no matter what your actions say. Maybe my words are part of my walls. I do trust him but I don’t want him to know that because that’s letting my guard down. I’ve been trying to fool myself this whole time that I don’t really need to trust him even though I do trust him because somewhere deep down inside I do need to trust him. Before the walls I trusted lots of people but now that I have the walls I’m not supposed to trust. The truth is, I always have trusted people but my words say otherwise to keep up the appearance of the walls. Perhaps I am still the same person I was before the walls – loving, caring, trusting, fun – but the walls are keeping me from expressing those things? My words say that I trust no one, I need no one, and no one needs me. My heart says otherwise. So the walls really are a prison. Keeping me from being me so I can pretend to be something my past hurts tell me is necessary. WOW!

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