My Lovely-Ugly Bricks

In a previous blog I shared about a prayer meeting that I participated in that was awesome. God was really able to get through to me on some things. There is still much work to be done but it was a really good start.

You see, back in the day…yes, I started a story with “back in the day”. I hate to do it but it must be done…back in the day, I was happy-go-lucky, trusting, hopeful, fun-loving, easy to be around, bubbly person. There was always fun to be had and there was a lot of trust and excitement. I was a teenager. It was easy for me to make friends and keep them. But, then the bottom dropped out. I met a guy and for the five years that we were together I slowly turned into someone else. Someone not so fun-loving or trusting. Someone I didn’t like. He dominated everything in my life including when I could speak and to whom. All the friends I had before I met the guy had been lost. It wasn’t an intentional thing but you know how it is. You go to college and your high school friends go their way and you meet someone and they become your focus and it’s beautiful for a while but it starts to get bad and then you can’t get out of it because it’s a major part of your life and it’s just easier to stay and before you know it he’s dumped you, hard, after five years that you should have spent somewhere else with someone else and the circumstances are ugly and harsh and you suddenly realize that you no longer know how to make friends and keep them, and you suddenly realize that you don’t know how to trust anyone anymore. What do you do? You can’t run away. You have responsibilities. I built a wall. And then another. And then another. And then another. Each lovely-ugly brick placed with care with the finest mortar. I had to function in society, but society was never gonna get a piece of me. I had to talk with people and face them with a smile but they weren’t gonna know how I felt. I could fake this happy-go-lucky thing with none the wiser. I could become this “strong” person, who shows no vulnerability because vulnerability is for sissies. I don’t need anyone. I’m good. Or at least I could fake good.

God pointed out to me at prayer – where I was finally listening – that he doesn’t want me to be so attached to the walls I’ve built. He said I could be that happy, trusting person again. I honestly sat there and said in my head to God, “but there are a few of those bricks that I like?! I know they are sometimes a prison but I’ve grown accustomed to the walls and I don’t know if I can function without them.” Maybe I have a really strange version of Stockholm Syndrome. That disorder that happens to victims of captivity where they actually form a bond with their captors. There have even been stories where women held hostage in banks and such have continued a relationship with their captors and in a few accounts married their captors. I have grown to love my walls. But God says I can’t keep them anymore.  – What!? I have to start trusting people and not be afraid of what they might do to me? I have to even start trusting guys and think that not all of them are gonna break my heart? – I leveled with God that night that I just don’ t know what that looks like. But, I am willing to try it. The demolition may be a slow, painful process but each of those lovely-ugly bricks are coming down.

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